The beginning of the end she says

No one could ever take your place, Everyday it gets harder, and the photos fade away.Years pile up but the scent of my perfume and the scratches on the side of my parents house  from your bike remain. The bike you road 8.9 miles every day in 90 degree weather to come see me after you had worked all morning in the blazing heat. I look around my room and am overwhelmed. The time we brought Swifty home in my purse,took her out and sat on the floor playing with her. Our countless blockbuster movie nights on the old mattress cuddling while devouring our  various junk food items. The times I would spend my time staring out my balcony window towards the water wishing you would be thinking about me too. All the adorable good morning texts I remember receiving from you before school in grade 10 waking up in my loft bed. Look up and see the black streaks of nail polish on my ceiling when I used my ceiling as nail polish remover ( you always hated black nails,and black hair too) but  I loved it. Walk down the hall and daze into the time when we were going to a party for the first time and my parents were nervous. Why,I will never know, its not like we brought a kitten home or anything. Walk down the stairs and stare blankly at the spot where we carved pumpkins and got most of it on the ceiling instead of in the garbage. Walk towards the living room and burst into tears. Christmas.

Why. Why did I have to hurt you. I want to go back and throw that phone in the river and hold you tight.I would have taken your advice,stayed in school . Given a second chance, I wouldn’t feel I had to prove anything to anyone!  I would have been graduated and in college just like you are. We would be on our way to marriage and I would be so happy.

I want to scream so you can hear me all those miles away. I want you to feel the pain I have felt the past 3 years. You were right , you are 8 steps ahead. And I would have such a bright future had I listened to you. Now my heart isn’t the only one that is going to be broken, and all because I thought I knew it all at 15.

So I  walk out of this house,18 years old, stripper heels in hand, tears in eyes,

The show goes on.

I thought I was worth more than that to you

I had faith for a future for us. A bright one. I was so blind. You never once were proud to call me your girlfriend.You never wanted to be seen with me, or have pictures taken of us. It was as if I wasn’t good enough to be your girlfriend. How was I so blind for so long. You never wanted me. I was so  in love that I just accepted the way you spoke to me and neglected me. I should have given up long ago, but i was so naive and believed that one day we would be one. A future of our little ones running around and me packing your lunches for work . I guess I was the only one that felt anything when we were together or talking. And to this day you do not know the effect that 1:21 has on our relationship. And it deeply saddens me to the point of tears. For so long I only considered you. Every shooting star, every prayer , every birthday wish, was to bring you back to me. That sweet boy who did everything for us. Rode his bike in 90 degree weather to my town just to be with me. And my prayer brought you back alright. But you are no longer that sweet 15 year old boy who gave his all. I was so excited. You took me out on a date for the first time in years. We had a great time, or so I thought.And at the end of it when you drove me home, you told me you wanted to ask me something, and my heart dropped. I thought “this is it! He wants to get back together, I have waited so long for this!”    Sitting in your car I turned to you with nearly tearful eyes and said “yes?..”       and you replied “do you want to have a quickie in the back seat?” And I sat there in shock. My heart broke into a million pieces right there. I couldn’t talk or even comprehend what you had just said. Years of waiting for you and putting you on this pedestal and you just wanted to get laid. I asked you to drive me home and when I got home I spent countless hours in front of the mirror trying to figure out why my body was the only thing anyone wanted. I have such a wonderful soul and mind and heart. Just another painful night wondering what my purpose is.