“Whats wrong? Do you want to talk about it? I gently inquired. 

“You would find a way back to annoy me even if I blasted you off into space” you irritatingly yelled back at me ; running away and flashing your daily eye roll..the other kids playing ignorantly. 

17 years of life had softened your expression, rewarded poise to your upgraded reply; with a side of ever-present self doubt  in my own inquiry.

“What are you thinking when you look at me that way?” I asked yet again, the very same butterflies fluttering that had always inhabited my stomach whenever you came around.

  “Some things just mean too much to speak out loud”..  you replied while blushing. A quick pause , a confident, fearless gaze straight into my eyes. Something I had prayed an entire lifetime for.. you continued.

“But I remember everything ..its weird , and no one has ever been able to love me that much, or ever has stayed this long”. 

 Today ,I found out that was true in more ways than one. Thank you for allowing me to see the truth of what we are ,have always been ; and will always be. 

When you found out that I had heard your prayers for an entire lifetime , you kissed my hand; promising to always hear mine; your piercing blue eyes burning the same hole into my heart that it did for the first time 17 years prior…under a purple-orange sunset. Always promising each other to  meet at the same spot if things ever got bad again at home, before the street lights came on of course. 

You always said you will be a better father than any one we both had known in our youth, and today I found out just how serious you were. 

You now hold the most precious part of me in your arms , just like I held you in those last few moments we shared before you said your last self-sacrificial goodbye to me ; and a few short years before you began your journey with no end. 

 My whole life I had been  irritatingly asking myself what I meant to you, if anything; and now I know the answer. 

My “eccentric” vocabulary , ever better than your “why don’t you guess” replies. 

The same mischievous smirk still engraved into my soul just as it had been in the days of single serve ice cream , skinned knees and promises that you have now proved never will be broken.

  I shall not soon forget both of their facial expressions when I  spoke my name out loud, grabbed hold of their shaky hands and held them tight in my arms; with the poise and forgiveness for them that you had once asked me to bring on behalf of you … Of us, should the next time you come too close – be the last time you take it too far. 

I felt your sober embrace hugging me from behind, as if your spirit was the crutch that my weak knees needed to make it across the room.

Standing next to me, My gift. My reward. My only living angel. 

I grabbed his hand and as a unit walked up to say my goodbyes; him standing tall and promising you to take care of me; to do what you could not in this short lifetime.

You would pretend to hate him, he is just like me.  Gentle hearted, strong in the face of all evil,  and a fearless love of humanity and justice. We are one in the very same. In my heart, I know this is what you wanted for me all along; and I will not run from it.

 I will allow myself this gentle ,long awaited gift; and I won’t look back or grieve what could have been.

”Nothing could ever change between us anyways”.

 And YES, I forgive you, though there is nothing to forgive. Your heart never deceived me. You ALWAYS deserve to stand by my side, NEVER behind me; and I WILL live a life worthy of standing by yours again one day in our next life.. always equals.

In a short time, I hope you stand on my right side, my dad on my left; as we walk down the aisle towards my future.

 I want you to give me away properly this time.

Save these tears for that day , and help me plan it all.

Take the name of my next son , and hold my first born one in your arms until the day I can hold you both in mine once more.

You cannot be replaced, because you are the other half of my very essence .

Today I finally got the answer to that pesky question I had been incessantly asking myself our entire lives. 

The answer is quite worth all the pain, suffering and patience.

The answer;  

Everything.