The Sapphire Ash of Wishes Past

With the sapphire ash of wishes past , I let go of possibilities so vast .

With the sapphire ash of wishes past , I release you ;as this spell is cast.

With the sapphire ash of wishes past , I am no longer your trusty mast.

With the sapphire ash of wishes past , your role so soon ; to be recast.

With the sapphire ash of wishes past , all of your chances have indeed fore-passed.

With the sapphire ash of wishes past,On this sacred night ; I blow away my very last.

My 121

My heartbreaking yet healing story of 2020. Healing from narcissistic abuse and finding myself again. (Coming home). This took me months to share this. privacy of other person is protected . trigger warning , contains talk of addictions and abuse . Watch in HD

Auseauiel

Out of this jaded vessel of exhaustion and torment, a vibratory melody penetrates the ionosphere; into the ethers.  The 1’s, a sweet memory of times past in our own evolutionary progression. A bittersweet symphony of gentle reminders to those in lower grades. Yes we have all been there. To my beloved 1’s.  May you learn your lessons the easy way, without resistance , flowing with the failures and valuing the growing  pains as gentle gifts from the divine.May your frustration  be absorbed by us of light, transmuting such a familiar pain.  May you be jolted awake by the laws still unbeknownst to you in this sweet density of duality.  May you stand strong in my own position with the same gentle understanding and love for your class of 1’s. In love , and in light, 

So mote it be 

Kin Of The Contradictory Grey Habitation

She had class. But she didn’t exude it. He had spirit, but he dumbed it down. She was running from something , he was running to something . He had purity of heart , she had purity of experience. He had integrity, she had self preservation. One thing they both were lacking in however , is self worth and introspection.

And so they sit, dormant in their evolutionary progression; stopping the other from growing. The lesson meant to be fluid and flowing , solidified and turned rotten. A yin and yang story for the ages, one where the characters themselves refuse to leave the story book no longer meant to house their characters. And so it is,

May you be ,

Better next.

Better Next

Bore me into hell,  immersed in  chaos.  A strong provider I came, an unintended consequence.  Skin as thick as leather , a flame sparked in spite of the downpour. You shook my soul , it broke me; dissociated days of drowning. You took it all back before it was even given .  All my firsts ,  regrets. All laughs, a price to pay.

So gracefully trained into such subtle inadequacy .

You are my biggest enemy, and my very best friend. You are my soulmate, and the reason I have no soul to mate.   Next breath, we halt.

First breath, we will do better.

Station 333

Darling , may you one day open your beautiful blue eyes.

Every blemish, a carefully crafted work of art, each with its own humbling purpose . Such hidden passion, run down by those who while intentions pure, lack insight . The uncanny way of the empathetic man,constantly providing in ways most couldn’t even dream of. The embodiment of loyalty , so gentle and kind. The one I chose. The man I love.

Please give him a home in your heart . A home based in loyalty, love and learning .

Kiss his beautiful , vibrant cheek and listen to his intricate thoughts and his wildest dreams. Allow your soul to hurt should his beautiful green eyes cry in your presence .

Please be kind to him. Enjoy this wonderful ride with this incredibly precious soul . This is my stop, and it’s time for me to step off onto the platform, switching stations ; onwards towards my next lesson. I leave with you a piece of my heart , take good care of it. Take care of him .

Q&A

What’s one thing that’s happened to you that has made you a stronger person? My childhood.

Who do you think has influenced you to who you are today? My  father.

What is your favourite memory? probably the water fight I had with my mom in the house when I was little , I think she was having some sort of “fuck it” moment , we went through a few cases of water and absolutely flooded the place and ended up laughing so hard we cried as we slipped all over the place like crazy people . Or when me and my dad used to go sledding and nearly got decapitated a few times .

What is your biggest regret? Staying in an abusive situation for 11 years because I was told by someone I trusted to keep my mouth shut or it would get worse

Do you enjoy being a webcam model? More than you could ever imagine.

 

Who was your biggest crush and did you ever pursue it?  He was a blonde haired, blue eyed kid. I did pursue it , and when I did, he reenacted my cat getting hit by a car using a bottle of white-out. (we were 10)  

What is your greatest accomplishment? Becoming an exotic dancer in order to save up enough money to move out of the household I was in.

If you could travel anywhere, where would it be and why?  Any new place where I can make fantastic new memories and that I can fantasize about later on in life.

What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done? Basically all of 2016.

When and why did you start webcam modelling? Read Cesspool silence

What’s the furthest you’ve gone to actually meet somebody you’ve met online ? 8 hours, through a forest on a four wheeler, and then to hell and back. 

If you could buy a house with the money you save what kind of house would you get? One with no cockroaches.

What kind of girl are you, country, city, rockstar…? Mixture of ghetto,redneck and princess, for sure. 

What makes you eager to get online and go to work? The people I meet and connect with. We have a little network of who I actually consider family to me.

How was your experience while dancing?  Dancing taught me how to read people, how to stand up for myself, and how to count . 

When you smile, what goes through your head? Always something silly and cute, like my self talk to myself . “You got this little one”…”Little one has the powaaaa”…”Big day for little one.”  Yes I call myself little one. I am a little one. I am a bite sized ball of love .

Have you ever felt chained from your future or free from your past?  I am in a constant state of excitement towards my future. I have felt free from my past since I was 19 .

What makes you confident/strong? When I am in a good enough place where I can help others. 

What would you do for those who stand close to you? Give them 82 thousand dollars, a diamond ring, and my soul. (whoops)

Despite the dark times, what makes you happy 🙂 ?  Waking up sweaty, with morning breath, bed head, doing the chicken dance in the mirror, and thinking “damn , I am lucky to be able to amuse myself this much.”

What’s your favorite thing to do on cam? Definitely laugh and weird people out

Blinding Blue Lights

I can still feel you move through me ,under the blinding blue lights. Our two eager souls , searching for him in the crowd; that deafening Friday night .

The pills, sitting on the counter.

Singing to me, through a thin veil of matter .

You live in my soul , the brightest shining light . And when I hear the sound of the pipes , I know that one day , me and you will get it right .

Disgusting Figament

“This little girl is the only good thing I’ve ever done” the very familiar voice whispered , the crunching interference of the old 90’s VHS tape followed. She had learned how to love broken men the very day she was born . The baby girl looked adoringly into his eyes and swore that he would always be her hero, no matter how much time should pass.

22 years later , she looked into the same eyes. So much bluer , 34 years younger , filled with pain she couldn’t even begin to understand. “HOW CAN YOU STILL LOVE ME?!”, he screamed, slamming his hands onto the table. “WHY CANT YOU JUST LEAVE?” He spat out.

She chuckled and wiped his tears, and answered his question calmly, with the truest words she had ever spoken , “Because he never did”.422978_10150590325412844_1059874696_n-2