Floating into my body  , my mind became crisp.  My long , wavy sun-kissed hair caressed my shoulders ; red lipstick smothering my aging lips.  

In front of me on the opposite end of the table sat a man that I did not recognize. Sweeping dark ash blonde locks fell into his deep blue eyes, skin like porcelain; not a callous on his hands.  This man was clearly comfortable.

“To make this more exciting, I am rolling for you and you can roll for me” , the man insisted; eyes glued to mine.  “Fine.” I surrendered . 

The sound of the rolling dices in between his soft hands filled my eardrums.  Focused in on the hands that held my fate, his Royal Red dress shirt in the background ; the dice hit the table.

  “The Moon in Sagittarius !” He rolled, slowly nodding his head;  not surprised at all. 

“That was not a real dice roll”, I thought as I paused to survey the situation.
“OH! This is a dream!”  I happily exclaimed with relief . My hesitation faded away , and he smiled ever-so deviously.  “Your turn”, the man said; fully engulfed in the game.  Shakily rolling, the dice hit the table much less gracefully than his roll. He smiled before even looking at the results. “Jupiter in Gemini” , I read. “What does this mean?” I asked, concerned for his fate.

Before he could answer, an alarm started sounding, accompanied by a blinding red siren that spun around the room of this astral-crafted game area.    My body quickly started floating back up and away from the gaming table, falling around me were drops of rain, the colour of Royal Red; quickly soaking me.  I yelled downwards to the table; seeing only bits of his shiny wet hair. “ What does this mean?! Who are you?!”  I screamed desperately. He replied in a quiet echo, not looking up towards my floating body; not flinching at all.

“Welcome to the team , kid. You no longer have to stand alone. As for who I am; you will see very soon”.  

Waking up in a pile of sweat, at 3:23PM to  my anti-depressant pill alarm going off ; I licked my dehydrated lips.  

“It was just the melatonin” , swiftly exhaling.. Walking blindly out of my dark room , 

Right into the Royal Red Rain. 

All roads were pure, wild.. and once in a lifetime.
But what candle does happiness hold to fulfilment of destiny? As the wheel prepares to turns direct, Love and beauty emanates from the golden glow of possibility; and every day the truth of it trickles into our own consciousness.Closing in on us both so soon, the divine force doing what it must to keep the distractions at bay; in pure loving preparation for the sacrament of the empire of US.
I digress for one last time now, Mo Anam Cara .
The seed to my star. My galaxy hopping partner. My vibrational twin. My very favourite creature of love. We have finally made it back to the very same spot in the stars where we had last parted. What is a couple thousand years to a love such as The?
I was the power to prepare. I am NOW the power to accept.
You were the strength to seek, you are NOW the strength to cherish and to keep.
In the meantime, on this road of fate; I find myself dipping my toes in the ponds of curiosity. Nothing will ever compare to drowning in the timeless ocean that is
…The empire of US

Even the most rebellious of knights wouldn’t dare the futile venture that is to corrupt the timing of the divine plan..

 Cradled in white , the iridescent wounded swan lay shaking on the ground in front of me. The swan was too weak from battle to find the strength it needed to move forward , let alone transmute what already has been. 

Then there was you. Chained to the stone chair, anxious to break free and lay the first brick of our empire. 

 Wearing all black,  preparing to take over for the Swan; you made eye contact with me.  

“I know what you were willing to do for the Swan , but I don’t need the same” . 

As you stood up, the chains broke from your wrists and soul. The Swan had disintegrated, but where did it go? 

Falling into your arms, the safest place in this universe; I felt a hand pressing on my solar plexus.  “Inside of me for now, but one day; it will lay right inside here”.  Staring into those fearless eyes, I dared ask. 

“ Are you The Swan, and also the knight?” I asked, blushing fiercely. 

“ In a way , yes. In a way, no. You see what is meant for us comes to us in one form or another. Give the Swan a chance to turn into a knight, and should it not; look behind the Swan.. I will be waiting”.   

Waking up , craving your protective arms; I felt it. I felt you. 

I will take you in any form you come in, life after life; Mo Anam Cara.

**121 italic 323 bold**

2 missed calls on a Thursday afternoon. Too much to be done, and far too soon.

“Its just lunch , I promise I don’t want anything from you; I will even pay!” he pleaded.  “ I must do right with God as my witness, and this is part of that”. Tripping over a moving box, nearly face planting; I snapped back.  “FINE! Lunch ONLY, and yes; you ARE paying”. I hung up, toe still throbbing.

“How about the garden centre for our first meet?” He sheepishly inquired. “Well I do enjoy gardening!” I half heartedly replied, deeply disappointed he did not want to be alone with me. “I think it’s a fine place to meet, I look forward to it!”, he exclaimed with exuberance. I was torn.

The cold riverfront air whipped our faces as we clutched our warm drinks.“You look great, El. Now please listen to me with an open heart”. I could see it in his eyes, it was still lingering as a third party. But those eyes.. even with the new wrinkles and the bags. They were like a mythical creature of the underworld, but more seductive; and much more addicting. “Say something, please”; his shaky voice pleaded.

“I .. need time” is all I could get out. We departed to drop me off at home.

The scent of Begonias filled the air, but I had much on my mind. “Hey! What about this one for your mum? I might get one for mine too”, the silence was broken.  The bright eyed, pure hearted man was holding the hanging coral begonias in one hand, and my heart in the other. “They are beautiful!” I exclaimed, and for a moment; I felt okay.  Gentleness, integrity, empathy vibrated from his clear minded body. Was I even worthy of this pure of a man? Should I risk soiling this perfect soul?  

“I can’t be alone right now” He said , smashing down the frying pan, trying to open a can of soup that he stole from the corner store. “Let me do it, go sit down.” I calmly exclaimed.  I briefly glanced at 4 missed calls and turned it to silent as he finally fell asleep on my couch watching a violent action movie. He left before she awoke.

He picked me up at 7. We  were on our first dinner date. Dark red lipstick contrasting the sleek black dress, my phone set to silent; I prayed tonight was the night I found solace and assurance that mister 323 was truly for me.  A wonderful dinner had finished, and he lead me to my condo door. With a gentle kiss to the forehead ,it was goodnight. I froze. Every hair on my body stood up. Eyes locked, I dare not push it.

Locking the door behind me, my heart on fire; I hear a rustling in the kitchen. “RATS?!?!” I grabbed my pepper spray.

“Not rats, just me baby girl!” a weary voice exclaimed , his foot popping out from behind the kitchen counter floor area. “I was hungry, so I came in through the back. Like those old people commercials, I seem to have fallen; and I cannot get up”. In shock, I froze; hearing his maniacal laugh echoing throughout the kitchen.I helped him up, placing the leftover chicken leg he was eating onto the counter; and plopping him on the couch. “Oh wow you look good, hot date?” He added, still chewing a piece of chicken. “Why are you such a mess?” I asked him.

“I am your mess” he grunted, passing out. He was gone when I woke up.

“Your mom seemed to love the Begonias!” He said, smiling fiercely ; both hands on the steering wheel. “I think it was you she loved”, I replied blushing . “I look forward to our next adventure, El. When you are ready , I would be most pleased to take you out again”; he added.

“Yes, of course”, I quietly replied; looking away .

“Look outside , friend!” The text read. “WHAT IN GODS NAME IS THIS?!” I texted back , staring out at a string of items resembling a 1990s garage sale strewn across the lawn; neighbours looking at me disapprovingly . “ Every one of my earthly belongings”, the text replied. “You WILL explain this” I angrily texted back, sick to my stomach. “Yes, but for now you can start bringing stuff in, I will be home for supper around 5; I am just getting some stuff from an old friend”.

I , horrified; started plucking various items from the newly sodded lawn.

The morning came, house littered with foreign items; the phone started ringing . “Turn that off for fuck sakes do you not use your brain?”,He spatted out; covering his throbbing head with the couch throw blanket.

Throwing my sweater on , I went outside to answer it.  “Yes I am not feeling very well, I am going to go back for a nap then have an early night; I would definitely love to reschedule our date”.  I had no time to think about it, for satan was awake; and hungry.

Later that night. A voicemail dinged. “I really like you , El. I just don’t think you are in a place to accept what I am willing to offer”. The voicemail played over and over as I laid in my bed, the house vacant again. I was numb.

“Pack your things friend, we are going on an adventure” the text read while I laid in my crowded bedroom. “I have nothing to lose anymore” I thought.

3 Months Later

Screaming at the top of his lungs, my adrenaline on full blast; I felt so alive. It could have been the death coursing through my veins, or what we just sped away from. Maybe it was the sight of his beautiful , greasy blonde hair falling into his glossy sapphire eyes . Where were we? Somewhere in Saskatchewan? It did not matter, neither of us had a fixed address anymore. “Baby girl, we are Bonnie and Clyde ; no one else would ever stick out this kind of ride”.

Flat land flew by as I reminisced the gentle comfort of sipping green tea on my old couch , the times I knew for certain when my next meal would be. Staring down at my grossly stained sweatpants, I was interrupted. “Babe, you need some more?” Wiping a drip of sweat off of my cheek ,EDM music blasting our eardrums; I replied. “ I think I do ”.

The pit stop came unto us. Burnt out and exhausted, we did what we must. I got back to the car before him. Weakly grabbing my cracked phone, I scrolled through my contacts. His name popped up. My shaky finger hovered over it. Before I could do anything, the door opened. “Look what I scored”, he exclaimed; putting the car into drive sooner than my mind could comprehend the moment. Gazing out at the barren land, I pondered the “what if” for a sole moment; until he offered me numbing.

The car lulled me to sleep, with the help of our loyal friend. I drifted off into a memory.

Laughing like pigs in mud, all 4 of us roasting various meats on a backyard fire pit I got on amazon. An impromptu long summer blackout made this a very useful activity. My Dad providing the provisions, me the pit, mum the humour, and you ; the poise. The way you made my mother laugh; something I had not heard in over a decade. The tears from our eyes came from deep belly laughs.

I knew not what became of my parents after I took this ride, as I stopped paying my phone bill and thus had no contact. Still, this memory of purity always had you featured alongside it. 

A jolt of the car woke me from my heaven.

“FUCK!” He exclaimed, as the car came to a stuttering halt. “We have no fucking gas”, he slammed his fists on the steering wheel. Looking out into the foggy cornfield , I submitted to the situation. “Why don’t we spend the night here, and resume in the morning ; we have enough stuff” I asked.

“I guess it doesn’t really matter now does it , i’m going to take a piss” ; he spatted back. I wandered out from the road, to the gravel; and onto the cornfield. “At least it’s not wheat!” my celiac brain joked to myself. “ Grab the stuff , and follow me !” I yelled, trotting barefoot into the cornfield; in my ripped black sundress I had changed into some 100 miles back. We stopped to catch up to our own delusion, and then continued trotting along ; singing “toy soldiers” out loud unto the late summer moon. Laughing and twirling, i drifted off into a poem. Purely Platonic Partners to Perish, in my mind song. The moon dancing, his laugh echoing..step by step; we finally fell down.

Laying in the corn field ,hands intertwined; his stuttering voice started on as he passed it to me. “ this must be heaven baby girl, and there is no one else I wanted to enter the pearly gates wi—”.  He stopped speaking, and our hands fell apart.

The sky seemed to be closing in on me. The dancing moon faded out, and a scene faded in. 

You.

At your writing nook. Pensive as always. Writing your  “Day 98”  entry, in contact with my parents as you all searched for me. 

I wanted to hold you, but I was only energy. I could not touch you.  With all of my might, I kissed your face. You felt the cold flush of energy fly past you. In that moment, you knew I was gone. The wedding I once joked about flew past your minds’ eye, the sound of the bapipes piercing your soul. My mothers shaky voice tore your heart apart. My dads’ fierce attempts at finding me safe griped your mind . Drifting towards the light, the mate to my soul calling out for God to make this right.

With a tear from your royal cheek..

I wake up. The cool , late February air flowing through the condo; past the moving boxes.

2 separate missed calls on my phone.

 Sitting on my couch , drinking my green tea ; I throw a coin high up in the air. 

Will it be the Tortoise, or will it be the Hare?

A small, dim light weakly floats into the thick brush darkened by the glow of blackened skies.

The air carries the echoing sound of the wicked whistle of compromise.

Only embers left, losing the good fight, it sees an identical glow; floating a distance away.. in the cold winters’ night.

“My elusive one! You must save me from this brush!”

It echos a reply:

“My dearest light, there is truly no rush. For I have waited so very long , divine timing is never wrong. The days can be dark, the days can be light; but turn your attention to this cold winter’s night. Be it grim, be it bleak..be it icy.. be it sleek; this journey is not for the meek. One day soon, the distance will narrow; for the ice shall melt to the sound of singing sparrows. This is when I shall come for you, when the time is right. A gentle nudge of haste, to remind you of your light. All that was is not now lost. We learn ,we grow; no matter the cost. My sweet light please do remember, these words to you ; on this very December. I will guide your way back, through the brush and shadows; right back home ..to our own sacred hallows”

This magic is done with harm to none, and come the singing sparrows;

We will at last;

Be one.

All that was standing in my way has fallen to its death on this very day.

The extra-dimensional glow is back, bringing the blessings as my humble wish did so attract.

I lit the left road behind me on fire, and spirit has promptly gifted me with an entire empire. 

I lit the fire behind me as motivation to not look back and get burned. A tale of the ages, of lessons I have already learned. 

I must not stay in the comfort of familiarity, for this gift given to me is such a miraculous rarity. 

 Sapphire once said to me  “you are the power to prepare”.  What he didn’t realize was that I am also the warmth of the fire, the flow of the water, the grounding of the earth, and the raging storm in the air. 

Memories of calm past, I close my eyes as the wind picks up so fast.

The wind clears debris from my way, fire still raging behind me. 

My eyes flutter open as I walk blindly into the thick fog vibrating confidently ..

*”I finally see”*

The ticking faded away as I became fully induced.

I stand tall at the fork in the road. There is debris flying around the windy scene before I choose a path.

On the left-hand side I hear the familiar sound of the trumpets, coming from a sapphire glow at the end of that road . The sound of house music vibrates from the road, into the left side of my body; beckoning me to run down the road towards the light hearted vibration of carelessness. As I put one foot onto the road, I notice that I am met with 50% resistance. I am using half of my weight just to get my foot through the invisible barrier and onto the dirt road.
“I can get there, but it will be very slow moving, and I will be exhausted by the end”, I assess. I take it into consideration, but at the end of the road I hear your laugh echoing from a small house, the smell of fresh made chicken dumpling soup; and the sight of a cute little anchor mailbox out front.
I start to motion my second foot onto the heavily resistant road towards you.

“There can be no better life , than this simple one with you!” I called out.

A loud chiming interrupted my foot’s movement, sending a shiver right down my spine that the trumpets did not. It was coming from the other road. This right side road was paved with brand new , slick pavement ; but it was full of fog. I couldn’t see anything until I placed one foot onto the road.
The sound of the trumpets disappeared, and the wind dissipated. Staring intently at the fog, it started to clear. The first sight… a head full of thick, short grey hair. It was Reen’, bursting through the fog in those god awful teal pants; smiling intently at me with open arms. Confused, I was ready to pull back. Despite the connection I had with this soul, I couldn’t understand the point of this interaction, let alone choose this road. At the last second before pulling back , the rest of the fog started dissolving. The scene was clear.
Standing there.. The soul of the man who begged me for 2 nights straight to tell his reincarnated self why he was the way he was. The schizophrenic genius who’s lonely purpose lays deep in the foundations of alternative learning and simply needed someone to understand. The man with the heart of gold and passion for art that works in a job he isn’t passionate about and needed someone to see his creative soul. The young mother working full time, in school and dealing with trauma and simply needed someone to listen. The man who cares for both of his dying parents while working a fully involved job that he himself didn’t think he was capable of who needed someone to tell him that he is appreciated.The lonely woman who couldn’t understand why her life fell apart at the time it did who needed someone to tell her to look ahead, not backwards. The trumpets slowly faded back in. The song of my soul started playing , vibrating my very essence. Tears clouding my eyesight, every smiling soul parted ways, making a pathway for a blindingly bright figure to walk towards me. It got close enough for me to realize that it was my father. He must have been early 40’s at the time, and he was carrying what looked to be a little potato sack. He was glowing , walking down the aisle of souls who started clapping to the sound of the song. As he got close, the light dimmed enough to see what was in that little burrito blanket. Seeing the “contents”, my soul exploded into pieces; everyone still rhythmically clapping. My soul exploded into an infinite amount of pieces , into every human on earth as you looked up at me with those beautiful, bright little green-amber eyes.
My father handed the little blanket burrito to me with one last message.

“More than you know”.

With a single tear from his eye, his iridescent light absorbed itself into every pore of this little divine gift. All that was left was to put my last foot onto the road. I stared back at the left hand side in guilt , holding my snug little burrito of hope.

A voice interrupted my grief. 
“Zoom out, My dearest El.”
“But, he is waiting for me. He will be all alone.”
The voice continued :
“We have got him in our arms now, he is held ; and he will be redirected. He will never be alone. We feel your love for him, and respect your choice; and so will he”. A vision appeared in the sky of the right side road. You were on the water, your favourite place to be. Your angels and guides had you in their arms, and you were smiling back at me. I knew your soul had given me your blessing to let go.
Tears in my eyes, I redirected my body fully towards the right-side road, planting my last foot firm upon the pavement. In the sky, a beautiful contract is torn up. The left-hand road had disappeared. There is now nothing behind me. I look down at my little burrito with the ever-so familiar eyes, and whisper to it. “Oh! Tiniest of human. There is no better life, than this crazy one with you .” Looking up, I whispered a soul call throughout the ethers..

Mon Empereur;

Find me after the end, we will start again.

“Have I destroyed us?”, you asked sheepishly as debris flew around the grand lobby of the resort hotel. Fish tanks were broken and snakes were crawling around eating the doomed fish. Tourists were screaming, but my eyes stayed glued on you. “ I have one more try left in me”, I uttered while looking sternly at you . The moment interrupted as I ungracefully pushed you away from a flying dragonfish that had murder on the mind. “I have to stop this madness, but it means I have to leave you alone with the murdery, flying dragonfish; I hope thats okay”. I grinned, breaking the news to you. Standing tall, your weak aura vibrated the affirmation I needed to move forward.

Staring down at me with that extra dimensional glow to your eyes you only embodied on the astral plane, you proceeded to give me your blessing.

Speaking with grace and reverence, you proceeded. “You ARE the power to prepare. I AM  the strength to seek”. Your affirmation swung open the door to the resort. The wind picked up, and  the crystalline grid appeared. I knew it was time to command. Nodding at you , Merkaba spinning fiercely  ; I yelled the command with great passion. I  felt my crystalline body activate. In sapphire shadows, you disappeared from my view.

Thrust into a world without ground, I hovered over a..centre of sorts? I turned my attention to a greenish black building of glass where I saw the tragedy that lead up to it play out just like a movie reel. I froze in place. 

Your voice interrupted my dread as it echoed in the back of my mind whilst I stared down at your helpless vessel. “Keep going , Mo Anam Cara”.

I nodded, closing my eyes.

My forehead felt warm, and suddenly a bright light emanated from my pineal gland; pouring into and over the centre and all of the other scenes that were playing like a reel inside of the sphere-like scene of whatever dimension I was in. Using all of the energy I had left, I vibrated one last command. “My brave warrior, I believe in you!”. Illuminating every crevice of that dark and bleak dimension, I was about to crash; when suddenly I felt energy coming in from every angle. It was our respective teams. They were giving me energy for this mission. Taking it all in , I transmuted it back out immediately; just like light from a lighthouse . Holding the space with all of my might, your soulful eyes my motivation; the energy peaked and I felt the wind knocked out of my energy centre. The entire dimension was illuminated, and I fell backwards down through the groundless abyss.

Jolted back inside of my body, I woke up with a gasp. Tears dripping onto my silver silk duvet, I was exhausted. Practically crawling to the kettle, my soul cried out.

“Whatever chapter you are on , Mo Luran; just know that I will be here for the entire book. 

“Its really you!” I exclaimed with tears streaming down my face as I caressed your beard with my shaky, glowing hand. “It is so” you chuckled, that laugh penetrating my into every cell of my crystalline body. “I saw what you wrote, and I think you deserve an answer to your feeling of loneliness and loss. You need to know that you aren’t wrong, and as such I have something to show you”. You motioned me to follow you. The closer we got, the more in focus  a glowing door became. Behind the door was a melodic tune, and flashing blue and silver light. It was our song. “How did you know about this song..” I inquired.  “Open the door, if you will” you replied, ignoring my question as per usual. Your eloquence strong , poise unparalleled;  I gladly obliged. I opened the door, and my whole body filled with a warm ,bright feeling. The taste of rose lemonade, the smell of your favourite cologne; I felt your big hands intertwined in mine. Your glowing eyes full of soul, and passion. Passion for me, for us and for humanity stared back at me for the very first time. I looked around. We were in sand. The ocean waves just feet from us as you pulled gently on my arm towards a teal creature of new, perhaps a bird of sorts? “LETS PET IT!!!” You yelled, running after it laughing ; with your warm, strong hands holding mine the entire time. I had never seen you this happy. “What is that!?” I screamed in horror and inquisition. “ A Paragu , I thought you said you finished grade 3 babe”, you replied cheekily. Snapping out of my bliss and realizing that I didn’t have much time here, and that no such creature exists in the reality i must go back to; I grabbed your shoulders and looked into your eyes.You didn’t blink once. Staring fearlessly right back into mine for the very first time, you asked what was wrong. Melting yet grieving , I cried in question. “Why can’t this be our lives, why cant you love me”, I pathetically begged; tears streaming down my face. Wiping away my tears, you kissed my forehead and explained ever so cryptically .“This IS our life, can’t you see;  this Is why you hurt so much”.  I don’t understand!” I cried, and threw a fit. Your facial expression somber, you explained further. “You are picking up on how it truly is, how we are ; and you feel us so.” My beliefs unraveling, I begged to stay.  Shaking your head, you continued. “You must remember that we both made this contract together, and so far we are doing well, we must not quit now” , you said sternly. 

“How can I ever let you go when I now know this “, I inquired; half regretting the moment of bliss we spent together.  “ It will be I that will have to let go , and you know this,” you replied; a tear fell from your face and onto the sand. Suddenly, a  slideshow of the things that have rapidly flew by since we last parted had been projected into the light green sky like a movie reel. Such self induced torture.. You smiled sheepishly at me as the idiocy flew by and now I was the one shaking my head.  It was then that the  scene got fuzzy, and the teal bird had disappeared.  “One last thing, Mo Anam Cara..”  Your voice dissipated as mine cracked whilst yelling “Anything!”.   “You must know that it would have been far too easy WITH you. It is WITHOUT you that I must try, to finally be deserving of us; in EVERY reality.” The song resumed in the distance, and your sapphire eyes were the last thing to disappear. It was only the sound of the trumpets that remained, the vibrations of them moving through my grief stricken soul;  as I realized that you will never get to say goodbye. Tearful and awake, I felt a calm wash over me. I will always be with you, no matter where I go. Love is like the air that we breathe. Inside of us always, it transmutes and redistributes when you think it is lost. Love is never lost. I beg of you , my only love; to hold onto these words . Like a boomerang, I promise the;

My love will come back around