“Whats with the bins?” People asked. I told them I was moving. For most people ,that was good enough. Some asked where, I would give them all different answers,because the truth was far too grim for even I to admit. I started bringing bins of brand new stuff over to my mothers house, when she asked why, I told her that I was planning to move closer to her. Come the 8th bin,My father had told my mother that he doesn’t believe moving was my intention,so my mother became suspicious. At that point,I made a kijiji ad that said I was looking for an apartment ,to throw my mom off. I mean I wasnt even sure yet. I told myself I would wait one month, and if I still felt the exact same, I would act on it.This was January 6. The month was going by very quickly, and I found myself excited for the first time in a long time. I was excited for my life to end. The point had come where continuing to live was FAR scarier than whatever could be waiting for me on the other side, if anything.
Feb 2nd came along, and I was still 100% sure I didn’t want to live. So I purchased an online will,wrote down my funeral information, and wrote down all of my banking info so my mom would get the money i invested (only a modest amount I had not given to him). I finally felt calm. It was all almost over. It was a lovely day. Laying on the couch surrounded by overflowing garbage bags, the thick scent of whiskey and sorrow, and the sound of soul soothing 90’s alt rock. Everything was wonderful,for a second. The second was over as quickly as it started. My sailor moon ringtone starting sounding,and I reluctantly answered. It was my mother. “YOU HAVE COURT TOMORROW FOR THE TRANSGENDERED MAN’S CHILD PORN CASE!”she spatted out.
Fuck. “I wonder if he can still be charged if the witness is 6 feet under?”I thought to myself.
It was at that moment that a wave of flashbacks happened. Me as an 8 year old child. the blood covered lip gloss container, the pain, the stash of thousands of names ,my performance schedule. The day I realized the sparkle in my eyes disappeared.A cold shiver went down my spine.
“I will be there” I replied. We hung up.
The next day , I walked into the court house feeling strong and confident. I would go in, he would get convicted, and in a few days I would be dead to the world that has those kind of people in it . “Nice to meet you, this is what we call a pre-trial” “A PRE trial?! As in theres MORE OF THIS SHIT?” I thought. I got up on the stand ,and was asked a few questions. I was asked how I obtained the evidence, And I, in front of everyone and said “i took it”. “You STOLE IT?” “yes” I replied. (That was technically the truth) I was dismissed. I went home ,my mother followed me to my apartment to make sure I was okay. I told her to leave , and insisted I was fine. I sat there on my bed, bawling my eyes out. Eventually I made it to the bathroom floor where i started throwing up due to the length and violent nature of my crying.”How can i be convicted for trying to save the lives of children that have no choice” I wondered. I eventually made it back to bed and passed out. I woke up feeling like a criminal the next day. Or was it the day after that? I don’t really know, I never left my bed anyways. February 6 came around.
It was D day.
I had woken up around 5pm. With one hand I grabbed my bottle of whiskey, a bottle of gravol, and i started washing the pills down with the whiskey. 30 minutes passed, “I have absolutely no idea how to do this”I realized. “I want to bleed out, thats how I want to die , I should do it before I pass out, the point of the pills and alcohol is to make it easier to go all the way,not to pass out”. I grabbed the scissors and tried to cut a dollarama razor , which I kept dropping due to the effects of the gravol and alcohol. I dropped the scissors, the hacked up razor, and i fell to the floor laughing so hard I cried. “How did it get to this, God” I asked. “WHY DID YOU LET IT GET TO THIS? YOU WERE NEVER THERE, NOT EVEN WHEN I WAS ON MY TIP TOES IN MY NIGHTGOWN STANDING ON THE SNOW COVERED PAVEMENT BAWLING MY EYES OUT AT MIDNIGHT ON A SCHOOL NIGHT PRAYING FOR YOU TO SAVE ME. I EVEN SANG AMAZING GRACE FOR FUCK SAKES”. I punched the wall, started throwing shampoo bottles ,face wash, even my umbrella light. I left the razor and scissors on the bathroom floor and stumbled to my room, laying on the bed. The ceiling was putting on quite the show with all of its movements. I struggled to sit up. “We are going to try this one more time”I said out loud. I tried getting on my knees, but I couldn’t. I propped myself up on the backboard of the bed, and put my hands together. “In the name of the father, the son,the holy spirit”
“Please. Take my life into your hands. I don’t want this life that I live. I don’t want to live in a world where children get abused, and where people that do the right thing go to jail for trying to save them. I have no more fight. I need you to guide me. Jesus. JESUS CHRIST. Lord, please hear my prayer. Please. I am opening my heart to you. I renounce satan and all of his demons. I renounce all evil. Please guide me away from evil. Please, be my purpose to live. If you are my purpose to live, I will never have a reason not to”.
There was no amen. I passed out.
I woke up some 17 hours later . Dehydrated, pounding headache, but alive. I got out of bed, walked into the bathroom. “Aye ,good morning hacked up razor, sir suicide scissors” I tossed them both out. I picked up my mangled umbrella light,patted it ,apologized and decided to shower. Coming into the bathroom I nearly had a heart attack. My eyes. “AYYEEEE!!” I started dancing around .
The sparkle is back 🙂
Laurel McIntosh 