Parallels.

 The torturous passion curiosity brings .. a time dissimilar  .

The illusionary perception of a flourishing 5 senses engulfing me. 

A soul reminder of the deepest natural virtue, inside a cage of many locks of evil.

Not soon to forget the brief yet eternal disposition of you. 

I promise to always choose to climb down to safety, never floating on the delusive jadedness of the promise of comforted surrender.    

 My adjacent one , I promise to choose to attempt what you hadn’t the strength to. 

I will be waiting for that frozen yogurt date in this time of fated desolation. 

 Until we meet again, My Noble Little Rock.

“Why do I feel so at peace?”I inquired.

 It was a bright May Day in the glade and we had the garage door opened and the old-school radio set to low volume.

At peace  as I sat there with you  next to me in the garage of my childhood home, hard seltzer in one hand; yours in my other. 

Taking a sip of your cheap beer, you answered with your usual sarcastic smirk.

 “ It is a lonely journey being the manure for everyone else’s story.  You were the necessary evil that was the fertilizer to so many other journey’s.  No one likes the idea of you, yet without you their own story would not exist.  There is nothing to forgive. Nothing to grieve and nothing will be lost.”

“It is finally time for you to allow for your own journey to be set anew, and tended to.  “

“A vessel of fresh, a story as pure as the air you will breathe”

 “I told you, I was calling all available units to bring you back to me, and I finally figured out how to turn the light on”.  

“I don’t understand” I responded perplexed. 

The bright 3PM day turned to a star filled night sky, and the radio volume turned up, and to static. You disappeared , and the garage light turned on.   

 “You will”  , your voice echoed out”.     

 Waking up in a pool of sweat at 5:27PM  , 

I vowed to never take cheap melatonin again. 

Your prevalent power radiates through my previously jaded veins , as the last knots are now forcefully tied; fashioning the unprecedented blueprint that is now The Demandmanship.

 Jolted awake, activated by the crisp  March wind; your essence caresses every goosebump on my physical body. 

Emerging from a cocoon of pure aquamarine; you nod in approval.

I feel the power of our essence.

 I now stand on the very top of a mountain of sturdy sand,  parallel to you.  

 Worlds apart, yet never closer.

 Your prevalent power radiates through my previously jaded veins , as the last knots are carefully tied; fashioning the unprecedented blueprint that shall be The Demandmanship.

 Calling to me as I sleep, my cold sweat blending into the misty November air, years still from acquaintance. My astral body melts into a door of pure aquamarine .

I view my essence arising from preparation into power. Standing on the very top of a mountain of soft sand, not sinking; I see you on the adjacent mountain. Treading slowly through the deep veins of the body of kismet, the pace honouring the two paths of divine entanglement . Each transmission slow and steady as the honour and sanctity this union shall hold.

[November 2023]

“This is why they never let you visit me, dumbass!” 

 Time crunched, you expressed that we had to get a lot of information out of the way ; and quickly. You spoke of  these allotted “allowances” , as if they were conjugal visits.  

You told me how where  “you” in the form I was being presented came from, it is flipped. 

Im the one in spirit, and you ; still there pondering your fault in it all.

 I still hear you telling me that all visits to me are from the same soul/ different dimension and manifestation of being, with an infinite amount of beginnings/endings and lessons. 

“All must be fair when it comes to energy”.  You spoke in a way not even I fully grasped. 

“You will feel every single one of them” You powerfully exclaimed, as a heavenly silence ensued. 

An “inchrismic”  amount of energy moved through me a million times over; faster than the speed of light .

 “You always wanted me to be deeper, I figured this was good enough” 

 It felt like decades, in only a few short hours. 

I asked you for a word to describe how my light body felt. You gave me “inchrismic”. 

Maybe one day I will know what it means. 

Speechless, I let your soul speak to me; and through me. 

Soul stripped bare, as it always was with you; you pulled something out of thin air and covered my shoulders with it. 

“ It’s a tartan! Red , green and blue; your family’s colours; it’s from your son!” You excitedly shouted.

 Absolutely gutted and rooted in the moment, i pondered deeply.

“How can I leave now, where is he? Let me see him!”, I demanded. 

“This is exactly why you are not allowed to yet .. besides, I have seen your year ahead ; and I have to say that you are a very lucky duck..” You replied trying to sway me to go back. 

“Just remind that guy that he is only renting you; and you will be returned to sender one day”, You ominously joked. 

 “Who is he?” I inquired while rapid-firing names and dates. 

“You are still just as insufferable as ever“ you spat back at me. 

“I guess you guys are bored enough to read dictionaries here huh?” I thought silently.

“He is the one person I have come to see would make you the happiest, healthiest, safest, most protected in this life, and thats all you are getting.” You smiled arrogantly,

 “Fine” I pouted.

“But why today? Why did you pick today to see me? Is something wrong?” I anxiously probed. 

“You are so close to something wonderful ,and I figured after the other night I needed to say my piece; as you put words in my mouth.” You sternly answered back.

You smiled , appearing to me as the healthiest and happiest version of yourself. The you that exists still within another dimension, without all the pain ; but still with the sass and protective instinct.  

Pleading, I begged . 

“I cant go back there. I can’t. Everything I thought that would happen for me didn’t. Everything I had prayed and sacrificed for fell apart. I am no good to anyone, no one wants to love me nor do they truly see who I am; they wont even try. Even if they did, they would never be able to love me.  I have nothing left and Im sure even meatball thinks i’m a burden. All of the hours of work i’ve done in the last 3 years .. and  I really thought  that I had something with …” 

You cut me off.  “What did that one thing say that you took as a sign? Well it was right..” 

“Dont worry, it’s done”.  I replied.

“OH COOL!” I got excited again.

  “Does that mean with..?”  I started rapid firing names again. 

“This is how I know you aren’t ready to come home yet. You still have faith , and love for life .. and for good reason. You have a lot of happiness ahead of you. Just hang on a bit longer , you are so close now. Besides , I have never once broken a promise to you and my last promise to you was to vet any man coming into your life romantically. It will be the right time, circumstances for the best outcome. No one else will ever be allowed to get close enough to hurt you, I think you have seen the truth of that recently. This one is worth the wait, but there are other options too.”

 Before I could harass you with more questions, I heard a majestic horn of sorts.  It sounded like a mixture of wind chimes and a xylophone. 

“Time to go back now, trust me you don’t want to miss this bus, the next one isn’t the best” you worriedly expressed. 

 I refused and begged. Pleaded and whined. Cried and complained. The bus left . 

“What will happen now? Do I get to stay here?!” I eagerly asked.  

“Nope , but you will feel like you have the worst hangover tomorrow “ you laughed back.  Sitting between a wall of silence, our allotted time seemingly up; another bus came back around . Your energy pushing me over the threshold and out the station door . I could feel and see my body again. I looked back to only see a wall of white. 

“This is why they never let you visit me, dumbass!”  Your voice echoed from behind me.

Rolling my eyes, I reluctantly ran from the threshold, trekking through the thick packed snow in my 2006 pink and white heely’s ; a sky of  iridescent white . 

Stumbling and torn about even going back , seeing what and who awaits me when I am ready; I frantically looked around. 

 Half heartedly attempting to find the spirit-snow bus I had emotionally refused to board when it left the station; headed back to my own personal waking nightmare.

 One fellow straggler ahead of me was a girl I had recognized from long ago . She was wearing a pink snowsuit and using ski’s to catch up with the snow-bus. 

“HEY! WAIT FOR ME!!” I yelled, hoping she could tell the bus to wait for me.

“She can’t hear you , none of them can.” Your voice echoed; further away.  I was puzzled. 

 “Have you not noticed that no one was able to notice you on the bus ride over; though you noticed them?”

You sounded so cultured , and  in something so foreign to me; it was a welcome change of pace. 

“One last question!! What do you think of meatball?!” I yelled back , sloppily crawl-running towards the bus.

“Shes neat, I never would have pegged you for anything other than a cat kind of person though”.   

“I promise to always keep surprising you!” , a tear fell from my cheek onto the disappearing snow as I boarded the bus. 

“ I know you will.”

 I woke up feeling like I had just drank a 24 pack of hard seltzer ,stumbling to the fridge to get orange juice.   “That was by far the best date I have ever been on” I thought, no longer feeling slighted by the previous not so majestic of courtships.

I sat there, chugging my orange juice, the sun shining through my balcony doors; meatball staring up at me . I reluctantly smiled as my worship songs played through my laptop speakers, because you are right.

I am not ready to come home yet.. because for just the moment ..

This IS my home 

The 6am rain tickled my last 3 toes. My body laying diagonally , up against the post.

Woken up by a kiss on the forehead; from only your ghost. My weak body stunned by the beautiful curse of this very familiar moment. 

The necklace strewn across my open palm, the morning spiders wondering what in God’s name is to come ; I couldn’t help but smile.

The cobalt dawn of blue horizon seeps into my blurry eyes.

This is the same energy I had cherished so deeply years prior. What had changed?  

The difference was that back then I had one embodiment that is now elusive to my life and very being. Something that you had always known I had so carelessly dwelled in , even as a child.

Ignorance. 

Some call it “Hope”

It died with you.

It turns out you were right after all,

 No one is coming. 

No one ever was. 

“Whats wrong? Do you want to talk about it? I gently inquired. 

“You would find a way back to annoy me even if I blasted you off into space” you irritatingly yelled back at me ; running away and flashing your daily eye roll..the other kids playing ignorantly. 

17 years of life had softened your expression, rewarded poise to your upgraded reply; with a side of ever-present self doubt  in my own inquiry.

“What are you thinking when you look at me that way?” I asked yet again, the very same butterflies fluttering that had always inhabited my stomach whenever you came around.

  “Some things just mean too much to speak out loud”..  you replied while blushing. A quick pause , a confident, fearless gaze straight into my eyes. Something I had prayed an entire lifetime for.. you continued.

“But I remember everything ..its weird , and no one has ever been able to love me that much, or ever has stayed this long”. 

 Today ,I found out that was true in more ways than one. Thank you for allowing me to see the truth of what we are ,have always been ; and will always be. 

When you found out that I had heard your prayers for an entire lifetime , you kissed my hand; promising to always hear mine; your piercing blue eyes burning the same hole into my heart that it did for the first time 17 years prior…under a purple-orange sunset. Always promising each other to  meet at the same spot if things ever got bad again at home, before the street lights came on of course. 

You always said you will be a better father than any one we both had known in our youth, and today I found out just how serious you were. 

You now hold the most precious part of me in your arms , just like I held you in those last few moments we shared before you said your last self-sacrificial goodbye to me ; and a few short years before you began your journey with no end. 

 My whole life I had been  irritatingly asking myself what I meant to you, if anything; and now I know the answer. 

My “eccentric” vocabulary , ever better than your “why don’t you guess” replies. 

The same mischievous smirk still engraved into my soul just as it had been in the days of single serve ice cream , skinned knees and promises that you have now proved never will be broken.

  I shall not soon forget both of their facial expressions when I  spoke my name out loud, grabbed hold of their shaky hands and held them tight in my arms; with the poise and forgiveness for them that you had once asked me to bring on behalf of you … Of us, should the next time you come too close – be the last time you take it too far. 

I felt your sober embrace hugging me from behind, as if your spirit was the crutch that my weak knees needed to make it across the room.

Standing next to me, My gift. My reward. My only living angel. 

I grabbed his hand and as a unit walked up to say my goodbyes; him standing tall and promising you to take care of me; to do what you could not in this short lifetime.

You would pretend to hate him, he is just like me.  Gentle hearted, strong in the face of all evil,  and a fearless love of humanity and justice. We are one in the very same. In my heart, I know this is what you wanted for me all along; and I will not run from it.

 I will allow myself this gentle ,long awaited gift; and I won’t look back or grieve what could have been.

”Nothing could ever change between us anyways”.

 And YES, I forgive you, though there is nothing to forgive. Your heart never deceived me. You ALWAYS deserve to stand by my side, NEVER behind me; and I WILL live a life worthy of standing by yours again one day in our next life.. always equals.

In a short time, I hope you stand on my right side, my dad on my left; as we walk down the aisle towards my future.

 I want you to give me away properly this time.

Save these tears for that day , and help me plan it all.

Take the name of my next son , and hold my first born one in your arms until the day I can hold you both in mine once more.

You cannot be replaced, because you are the other half of my very essence .

Today I finally got the answer to that pesky question I had been incessantly asking myself our entire lives. 

The answer is quite worth all the pain, suffering and patience.

The answer;  

Everything. 

Shivering , stuck in the liminal space between memory and weary acceptance, the tip sound sounds off with a note begging for zero reciprocation. Like an empathetic echo from the distant past, her brain went right back there.

A busy friday night. The smell of the foreign stack being thrown carelessly onto the sin-stained floor ; the blaring music in the background and blinding lights rotating in an endless circle. 

 The mid-age man slams a beer bottle onto the table 

“ For Christs Sake!!  I don’t want a dance from you, I just want to talk!!!!” He spat out angrily . “Look, im sorry; im not dangerous okay? Look.. this is me; and next to me..recognize that fella?”  

Holy fuck, she gasped; wondering if it was photoshopped.

 “Yeah, well those days were over after that fateful day over a decade ago, and last year I was diagnosed with cancer, my wife and two young boys still don’t know, hence the cross-border nights out”, he professed while looking down ;the  photo of him and the powerful yet one of the most hated men in the world on his phone screen, holding his shoulder and smiling .

  “Look, I don’t know what’s happening here, but I cannot accept this money; and this is something I really don’t think I should get involved in”,  she expressed; shaking and terrified as the sound of next song starting filled their eardrums and a naked woman walked out of the room, drink in hand. 

“Suit yourself, but then I’m going to the casino to blow it alllll, I am sure you are in good company here, seeeeee ya” he spat back as he took one last sip and clumsily placed the beer bottle down in the corner little place-tray in the ominous little dark-lit room.  

“You are NOT driving” She says sternly.  

“Wahhhhhtch meeehhh” he slurred back defiantly. “ I have only had one beer” he said ,rolling his eyes

“For fuck sake”,  she took a deep breath .. “Give me 5 minutes to get dressed and tip out and I will call the cab to take you across the border SAFELY”, she tried reasoning with him. 

“ I have only had one beer” he said ,rolling his eyes

“Besides, I  can’t go home yet, im awake until at least 6am before I can go home, and I can’t leave my car” He said in a defeated tone. 

 Sighing , she closed herself into the club’s front closet to put her hoodie and sweatpants over her tiny bikini and plopped her heels onto the floor. She ordered the cab headed towards the casino.   They got there and he immediately went towards the ATM.

“Uhhhh helloooo? you have 10,000 in your pocket ; do you not remember this? ” she inquired ,baffled. 

“It’s always good to carry a bit extra, plus its pennies to me ; all I wish I had was more time to see my boys grow up” he replied.

She was speechless.

They picked a slot machine and sat down .

“Here look.. this is my charity, ahh shit, do you have internet on your phone?” He inquired.  

“Wow.. you weren’t kidding when you said you were charitable” she said scrolling and reading. She suddenly started to see the serious reality of the situation at hand”.  

“ Now I feel even more vindicated in refusing your “gift” she confidently expressed.

“Fine , at least play a few slots with me then? You know… there’s not many people who would say no to 10,000 smackers for nothing.”

 “Well.. My dad always said that nothing comes for free … and If I were to accept this I couldn’t sleep at night. That is too high of a price to pay.” She wearily explained. 

“Well he sounds like a smart man” He nodded in respectful understanding 

“OH! You said you don’t drink , but they deliver free hot chocolate to the machines; try it , its real nifty! “ He excitedly smiled , pointing to the order buttons. 

“Well I will never say no to hot chocolate with whipped cream!” She chuckled , tickled pink at his old school vocabulary. 

Hours passed and the sounds of the machines in succession melted into each other; 3:30AM came around quickly. 

“Alright , I will stay here for the morning and check out at 11AM and cab to my car. You should get on home , kid” He smiled, clearly sobered up.  “Thank you for the company, I have no one to talk to about this” he said looking down, walking towards the hotel from the game room.

“Ironically I am in the same spot, I doubt I will have anyone to talk about tonight to either; it certainly was not a traditional night”. She pondered.  

“I hope you know I never expected anything, I love my wife and I am not interested in crossing any lines” he said as he looked her dead in the eyes.  

“Strangely I believe you. One thing I know is that illness can be lonely , and so can life. I think it’s important that we find comfort where we can, but please hold stronger boundaries. You are lucky you found someone who didn’t have a desperate mentality ; this could have ended badly for you and I suggest you find comfort elsewhere, maybe a support group?” 

Scoffing ,  he nodded.  “I won’t make a habit of it, promise ya that”.  “Go on home and get some sleep now, I will e-mail ya letting you know I got home safe like ya asked ” He said, seemingly irritated.  Turning around to face her,  he had one last thing to say. 

 “Promise me something kid?” He emotionally spat out at the foot of the escalator up to the lodgings he would be safely taking refuge in until he sobered up fully.

“Depends on what it is ,because your actions today have been quite questionable in nature..” She joked, tears in eyes.

“Thank your pops for me , I always wanted a daughter; and if I were him  I would be damn proud of how you turned out”.  Winking and turning around towards the escalator , holding tightly onto it; he slowly got taken up.

She walked the 10 minutes back home at 4:00 in the morning; leaving a trail of tears down the dirty downtown sidewalk. She got home, knowing she had not made any money that night, yet feeling wealthier than ever. . She crawled into bed, wishing she had anyone to talk to about this; the glow from the casino’s giant red sign flooding into her downtown apartment suddenly seemed like a comforting night-light.  She smiled, rolled over and went to sleep. When she awoke at 2pm in the afternoon , she was getting ready for another shift. Opening her little wrap-around purse, she felt a strange papery feeling.  She gasped and fell to the floor . “That SNEAKY MOTHER FUCKER” , she sat there crying, the 10,000 dollars spilling out onto the floor . 3 desperate e-mails sent out later, she got only one back . 

“ Consider it a small bit of what you deserve from this life. It was nice to meet you, kid”. 

The tip sound stops and the lump in her throat lessens. “Thank you” she says without guilt;  hoping it reaches up to the heavens .

Floating into my body  , my mind became crisp.  My long , wavy sun-kissed hair caressed my shoulders ; red lipstick smothering my aging lips.  

In front of me on the opposite end of the table sat a man that I did not recognize. Sweeping dark ash blonde locks fell into his deep blue eyes, skin like porcelain; not a callous on his hands.  This man was clearly comfortable.

“To make this more exciting, I am rolling for you and you can roll for me” , the man insisted; eyes glued to mine.  “Fine.” I surrendered . 

The sound of the rolling dices in between his soft hands filled my eardrums.  Focused in on the hands that held my fate, his Royal Red dress shirt in the background ; the dice hit the table.

  “The Moon in Sagittarius !” He rolled, slowly nodding his head;  not surprised at all. 

“That was not a real dice roll”, I thought as I paused to survey the situation.
“OH! This is a dream!”  I happily exclaimed with relief . My hesitation faded away , and he smiled ever-so deviously.  “Your turn”, the man said; fully engulfed in the game.  Shakily rolling, the dice hit the table much less gracefully than his roll. He smiled before even looking at the results. “Jupiter in Gemini” , I read. “What does this mean?” I asked, concerned for his fate.

Before he could answer, an alarm started sounding, accompanied by a blinding red siren that spun around the room of this astral-crafted game area.    My body quickly started floating back up and away from the gaming table, falling around me were drops of rain, the colour of Royal Red; quickly soaking me.  I yelled downwards to the table; seeing only bits of his shiny wet hair. “ What does this mean?! Who are you?!”  I screamed desperately. He replied in a quiet echo, not looking up towards my floating body; not flinching at all.

“Welcome to the team , kid. You no longer have to stand alone. As for who I am; you will see very soon”.  

Waking up in a pile of sweat, at 3:23PM to  my anti-depressant pill alarm going off ; I licked my dehydrated lips.  

“It was just the melatonin” , swiftly exhaling.. Walking blindly out of my dark room , 

Right into the Royal Red Rain.