Kin Of The Contradictory Grey Habitation (L)

She had class. But she didn’t exude it. He had spirit, but he dumbed it down. She was running from something , he was running to something . He had purity of heart , she had purity of experience. He had integrity, she had self preservation. One thing they both were lacking in however , is self worth and introspection.

And so they sit, dormant in their evolutionary progression; stopping the other from growing. The lesson meant to be fluid and flowing , solidified and turned rotten. A yin and yang story for the ages, one where the characters themselves refuse to leave the story book no longer meant to house their characters. And so may you both be,

Better next.

Better Next (L)

Bore me into hell,  immersed in  chaos.  A strong provider I became, an unintended consequence.  Skin as thick as leather , a flame sparked in spite of the downpour. You shook my soul , it broke me; dissociated days of drowning. You took it all back before it was even given .  All my firsts ,  regrets. All laughs, a price to pay.

So gracefully trained into such subtle inadequacy .

You are my biggest enemy, and my very best friend. You are my soulmate, and the reason I have no soul to mate.   Next breath, we halt.

First breath, we will do better.

Blinding Blue Lights (L)

I can still feel you move through me ,under the blinding blue lights. Our two eager souls , searching for him in the crowd; that deafening Friday night .

The pills, sitting on the counter.

Singing to me, through a thin veil of matter .

You live in my soul , the brightest shining light . And when I hear the sound of the pipes , I know that one day ; you and I will get it right .

Disgusting Figament (L)

“This little girl is the only good thing I’ve ever done” the very familiar voice whispered , the crunching interference of the old 90’s VHS tape followed. She had learned how to love broken men the very day she was born . The baby girl looked adoringly into his eyes and swore that he would always be her hero, no matter how much time should pass.

22 years later , she looked into the same eyes. So much bluer , 34 years younger , filled with pain she couldn’t even begin to understand. “HOW CAN YOU STILL LOVE ME?!”, he screamed, slamming his hands onto the table. “WHY CANT YOU JUST LEAVE?” He spat out.

She chuckled and wiped his tears, and answered his question calmly, with the truest words she had ever spoken , “Because he never did”.422978_10150590325412844_1059874696_n-2

The cycle



“ Are you going to say yes?” he inquired, his voice noticeably shaky. He did that thing with his lips, the expression that one can only assume signifies his inner most inadequate feelings that stemmed from the day a woman far more selfish than she, had sealed his fate; while he was still an innocent. Their tearful eyes locked on one another’s, as she replied;  “what other choice do I have?”. He proceeded to take his shirt off, looking noticeably distraught. She looked around at her surroundings. With a tear drop down to her chest he ,as he was then and there.. used up and worn out; had disappeared out of her sight. Everything faded out.

“Nice to meet you, I am laurel, and this is my sugar daddy’s house” She put out her hand to shake his. He instead grabbed her gigantic suitcase and headed for his car. Her heart rate had to have been 180. “I can’t believe I am going to be 8 hours from home sleeping in a cabin with a complete stranger” she chuckled. “You were living with a 38 year old man who was cheating on you with hookers and beating them with belts, I don’t think this is a time to be choosy” , he joked. She had almost regretted telling him what she had found on her sugar daddies laptop. They pulled up to what looked to be a small shop some 3 hours later. “Dad, this is Rebecca” He introduced her . Little did he know that Rebecca wasn’t even her real name.“I forgot to mention, we have to take a four wheeler to get there, so hold on tight; we have a lot of baggage”. He said excitedly. She had no idea that baggage was exactly what she signed up for. She felt alive.

“Hello? Earth to Laurel,What are you thinking about?” He asked, in all his shirtless glory. “Nothing”, she replied; not noticing he had already gotten fully nude. She knew it was time to wrap her legs around his body, the one she knew so well. Her warm red cheeks were softened by her own tears, and she felt the familiar scraping of his beard as she kissed his cheek. She proceeded to run her fingers through his unwashed, split ended hair. “Don’t marry him, please” he sheepishly begged. “I don’t know how long it will take me to be the man you deserve, but I am getting closer each and every day. Please”. She closed her eyes, and felt a stinging pain. It had been a while. She knew that she would not feel this pain again. Holding him close to her,  every movement he made into her; trying to change her mind. Blurry through the tears, she saw all of the faces of those who he had in the same position that she was, during their relationship. Men ,women, unidentified alike. Her soul screamed. “How can I still care?” the pain strengthened, his endurance had increased since their last meeting. She dissociated .

“I have taken you every special place there is in Muskoka, because back at the cabin you said our first kiss had to be perfect. Now that we are back at the hotel, I am realizing there is never going to be a perfect time”. He grabbed her, and they plummeted onto the bed; not gracefully one might add. Before she could even check for a concussion, his lips were planted on hers. “ Now that is done, let’s order some room service!” He sarcastically spatted. Butterflies. So many butterflies. “Yes, food. Food is good” She replied, fully aware that  she was beat red.

“Lets go to bed, I have yoga in the morning” He said as he rolled over and turned his light off. The stinging pain was back, and she realized she was back to reality. She kissed his forehead , told him she loved him, then rolled over too.

“ I am going for a walk” she spatted out. “its a tsunami outside” He pointed out. “I don’t care”, she replied with sass. She slammed the door behind her. Standing out in the middle of the road with her eyes closed, face up to the sky;  rain was soaking into every pore of her skin. Suddenly, she felt strong arms swoop her up from behind. Running down the street with her in his arms, she knew the argument was over. He stood her tiny body upright and kissed her, proceeding to run down to the lake and back; screaming the entire way. It was at that moment, she knew for certain, she would love him for the rest of her life. Laughing all the way inside, completely drenched, they went up to the shower. “See, it was just a fluke, we’re fine now ” he said smiling. She rolled her eyes and they washed the argument off of each other, her mother still in the next room; no doubt horrified. He laid her down on the bed. “I won’t bail if you won’t bail” , he said whilst making love to her. 

The alarm went off. “FUCK” she thought. She must have gotten one hour sleep with all of the thinking she did. “Good morning, let’s take a bath before I have to leave for yoga” he suggested. “Good idea”, she agreed. The mint scented bath bomb fizzed away ,as they slowly got into the tub together. Reflecting more on her life, she chose to ask a daunting question. “Do you ever wish our parents didn’t hurt us?”. Taken back, he replied.  “Sometimes, but I think it made us stronger”.  She ran the soap over his perfectly toned biceps. Silent, he laid back; taking in the luxury of the 5 star hotel. She laid back as well. A few moments passed. *Drip , drip*. She opened her eyes. Blood. His left nostril was bleeding. She knew why. She didn’t live under a rock. “How, even after seeing this, do I still love this mess of a man?” she thought to her self. She half considered getting out of the tub. Instead, she got on top of him..wiped the blood from his nose; and kissed his forehead. She loved him unconditionally. It was such a blur.

“I think I am going to do it” he said while smiling excessively . “Do what”? she inquired. “Move to Windsor with you. I have been thinking about it and it feels right” he explained. “Lets go to the park and stretch” she said, secretly bursting with excitement.

“I gotta head out now , I will see you later” He said as he left for yoga. She laid in bed that day, doing much of nothing. What was she feeling, was she numb?

“Do you like it?” She asked , as he flashed his new diamond ring off in front of the mirror. “ I love it” he replied. “I still think 2,000 dollars is too much to spend on a ring though” he said, clearly concerned. “You are my future husband, if you think 2,000 is a lot; you are in for a nice surprise” she bragged. “So I wanted to talk to you about that music festival I want to go to, i already have tickets”. He mentioned. She gave him a dirty look.“Oh you mean the place where everyone has sex and does drugs in tents?” she spatted back. “Its an experience, I don’t want to miss out on it”; He replied sheepishly . “Its really up to you, but I don’t know if I want to be with someone who does those things”, she explained. “So I really have no choice but to choose between you and my friends then” he concluded out loud. “OUCH” she yelped. The pedicure lady had cut her foot, probably sick and tired of the arguing she figured. They looked at each other in utter confusion.

“I was thinking a lot at yoga today, and I think you actually should marry him” he said, not sitting down; as if to signify he wasn’t staying long. ”What changed your mind” she asked, rolling her eyes. “He is just better for you, and it makes sense”. He concluded. She pulled him onto the bed, giggling . He was having none of it. He looked exhausted. “I don’t think I could ever get over the fact that you chose him over me”, he said. “I am also not the marriage type, I would probably just leave you again anyways” He added. She grabbed his face , looked him in the eye, and said “there will never be a man above you, it will always be you for me”. He pulled away. “Lets just order food” , he snapped. Something they could always agree on.

“My friends hate you for keeping me from the music festival”. He brought up. “Well considering your friends all have no jobs and do drugs on a daily basis, I’m not too worried what they think of me”, she chuckled . “I am going to the Netherlands with my mother in a few weeks by the way” He walked out of the room. She followed. “The same mother who walked out on you ,your dad and sister when you were 8? Yeah, great idea” she yelled. “You were the one who told me to fix things with her” he yelled back. “I meant go for lunch, not across the fucking world with a woman you barely know! ” she snarled. “I am going to my friends house in London for a few days; we clearly need space” he concluded the argument and started packing.

“These tacos are amazing” she said, mouth full of them. “Yeah they are not bad” he agreed. The tension was still high, even with the gourmet chicken tacos. “I think tomorrow should be the last day we see each other” he sternly spewed. “when have we ever followed through on plans to part” she laughed. “This time we have to, you are getting married” he said. “Oh so you are deciding that I am getting married now huh?” She asked, irritated. “ You would choose him no matter what, he is your security blanket” he added. She was silent.

Back from London , he woke up earlier than she. Sitting on the couch, puffy eyed, she knew something was wrong when she walked into the living room. “What is going on” she asked. “Where are all of your blankets and pillows?” she asked ,thoroughly frightened. He handed her a book. “I was going to give this to you on our wedding day, but since I am leaving you; I figured I would give it to you now” . “No, no , no.” She cried. She opened the book. Opening it halfway, it started.. “ I am no man, no adult and certainly no husband. I cannot provide you with the life you deserve. I have to leave or I will ruin both of our lives” . He kissed her forehead, and headed for the door, stuff already in the car. She grabbed him crying ,screaming and  begging. He detangled her off of him, and walked out.That was the day she needed a security blanket.

“I wish it was you, but you will not commit” she said, defeated. “You are right, and I never will” he said, half proud looking.

*DING* went her messenger. “I have been thinking the entire time in the Netherlands , I love you and want to come home to you” He said. She nearly collapsed into happy tears. “Yes, come home “ She typed, ecstatic. She went to bed happy that night. The morning came around and she was eager to tell him how happy she was. She logged on ,clicked his name. “You do not have permission to contact this person” . “Seriously. fucking seriously” . It was another week before she heard from him. “I am sorry, I didn’t know what I wanted, I am on my way home now, to you” . With a roll of her eyes, she cleared his drawers for him. Things were perfect. he was treating her like a princess. He must have finally realized what he has. Nope.

“I will wait, I can wait, just be faithful to me” She said. “And be with ONLY you for the rest of my life, no way ; thats entrapment”. He snarled. Her heart broke. How was there any heart left to break?The lights turned off, and they went to sleep.

*DING*. Hmm. “who…what”? A message from a woman. Barreling into the bedroom , she screamed.  “YOU FUCKING SLEPT WITH HER?” she cried . “ADMIT IT” she yelled. “I did it because she needed an escape”. he replied calmly. . “Pack your shit and get out , now. Lose my number, never contact me again”. He packed his stuff. He tossed out the orchid he got her that morning, as it symbolized the guilt he felt. He was out the door, and she said “wait”. She was in shock. She knew she was in shock. Everything was moving. She was going to throw up, but she couldn’t see straight. “Please stay, I am scared, I don’t know what is happening”. It was a panic attack. “Okay, I will stay”He passed out shortly after. She spent the entire night talking to the “other woman”.

“ I will drive you to the other hotel, then I am done” He said coldly. “at least spend the day with me, I stayed for you” she asked, feeling pathetic. “I don’t want to spend the day with you” he spatted. She felt unworthy. He drove her to the hotel.

“I never liked Christmas, the whole divided family thing and all” he said, in reply to her excitement for their first Christmas together. “I have a huge plan, i am giving you a present every day for 25 days; then a bunch on the 25” She said with her eyes glowing . “Whatever you want” he replied, shyly.

“I will come in with you, to check you in and stuff” he said. They got into the ghetto hotel room, and he plopped down onto the bed. “you really don’t want to stay the night, you prefer your moms couch?” she asked antagonistically . “Fine, but no sex”. he demanded. “Okay” she said, taking her clothes off. “that really is a nice bra and panty set” He told her. The rest was history.. “Wanna go see a movie” he asked. “sure” she replied, knowing she would hate anything he chose, but wanting to spend more time with the man she loved.

December 31. “Listen, I have to tell you something that i have never told anyone , and it is my biggest secret”. “okay go” she said hesitantly. He told her. “I love you no matter what” , she said; trying not to throw up in his face out of disgust. “You are not a freak, i promise “ she lied to him. He fell asleep in her arms.

“That was a good movie ,little tree guy was cute” she said, pleasantly surprised at how cute the movie was. “Where am i dropping you off?” he asked, carrying her bags into the car , from the hotel. “this address please” She replied. He drove her there in silence. “Why does it feel like the last time I will see you” she asked. “Because it is. We are here, get out of my car” he said. “seriously, just like that” she cried. “I said get out” he yelled. “I want to ask you a few questions first” She demanded. “Fine what” he snapped. “How can you be so cruel”? she asked. “You made me this way” . *DING* . A text message was delivered to her phone. It was the man she was going to marry, talking badly about him. “What the fuck is he talking about “ , he yelled, red in the face. “I don’t know what you think you saw” she sarcastically replied. He swatted at her, hard;  and put the car in drive. He parked the car into a parking garage, and threw her stuff out. “Take a bus for all i care, I’m done” . She cried and begged him to walk her to the street . “Fine, fuck”

January 3rd. She went through his phone. “Transvestite hookups Toronto” she read. “Are you fucking kidding me, thats what you do when you say you are going to see your sister” He was caught. She was broken .

They were at the street. He hailed a cab . “Get her away from me, i don’t care where”, he spatted to the driver; throwing a 20 dollar bill into her face, and walking away. She got into the cab, her face still tingling , and her phone wasn’t working. “Fantastic” she thought. An Indian voice came through her ears as the warm tears trickled down her stinging face. “You know miss, he is a spoiled little boy who thinks he can treat women that way.. but let me tell you, a real woman would not give him the time of day, you will be ok miss.”
She smiled through her tears. She then handed the cab driver the 20 dollar bill , much more graceful than it had come into her possession; and thanked him for his kindness.

Jan 6. “You knew it couldn’t last forever baby girl” He was leaving her again. How could he do this. She had spent 82 thousand dollars on him. she had planned to marry him. How. “We are just too different” he said. She felt like she was going to die.

*snap,pluck,snap* the electrolysis machine went. “You are really swelling” the electrolysis lady said. “I wonder why” she added. She headed home. Took a look on her phone. “Fanfuckingtastic”. God has a humour does he now. “What is the right decision here” “I have sacrificed everything for him” she pondered. For this man that she loved so dearly, she would do anything he asked.

And so she did.

Last Dance

You are exciting.You are gorgeous.You took me to places I never knew existed, both in physical form and emotional form.When I think about you, I hear my own laugh, and see the sparkle in my eyes. The same sparkle that you brought back into my life.You rebooted my soul. Humbled my mind. Is it possible for evil to teach you how to love?

Last night I had a wondrous dream

You were in your tux. Me , an elegant, flowing black dress. I had white elbow high gloves on, and i remember the feel of your hands intertwined in mine .We were in a large ballroom with great chandeliers and elegant dark marble pillars.
We were slow dancing to the beatles’ “here comes the sun”. The lights were dim, I recall the sound of my heels on the marble floor. It was just us. We did not say a word. Our eyes locked the entire time. We were having our “last dance”. The song ended, and the little light that was in that ballroom had dimmed, and two french doors had opened. There was a bright white light shining through them. I grabbed your hand and motioned you to come with me into the light, but you shook your head . I was being pulled backwards by gravity towards this light. You let my hand go and i felt myself flying backwards towards the doorway.You disappeared into the dim light of the ballroom. When i was pulled into the light, i remember looking down,seeing my dress turn to white, then the sound of something that I can only describe as peace,and then I woke up.

This way, You will continue to be exciting. You will continue to be gorgeous.You will take other women to places they never knew existed. I will continue to hear my own laugh when I think about you. My eyes will continue to sparkle.

Goodbye, My youth.


12 Deadly Bins

“Whats with the bins?” People asked. I told them I was moving. For most people ,that was good enough. Some asked where, I would give them all different answers,because the truth was far too grim for even I to admit. I started bringing bins of brand new stuff over to my mothers house, when she asked why, I told her that I was planning to move closer to her. Come the 8th bin,My father had told my mother that he doesn’t believe moving was my intention,so my mother became suspicious. At that point,I made a kijiji ad that said I was looking for an apartment ,to throw my mom off. I mean I wasnt even sure yet. I told myself I would wait one month, and if I still felt the exact same, I would act on it.This was January 6. The month was going by very quickly, and I found myself excited for the first time in a long time. I was excited for my life to end. The point had come where continuing to live was FAR scarier than whatever could be waiting for me on the other side, if anything.

Feb 2nd came along, and I was still 100% sure I didn’t want to live. So I purchased an online will,wrote down my funeral information, and wrote down all of my banking info so my mom would get the money i invested (only a modest amount I had not given to him). I finally felt calm. It was all almost over. It was a lovely day. Laying on the couch surrounded by overflowing garbage bags, the thick scent of whiskey and sorrow, and the sound of soul soothing 90’s alt rock. Everything was wonderful,for a second. The second was over as quickly as it started. My sailor moon ringtone starting sounding,and I reluctantly answered. It was my mother. “YOU HAVE COURT TOMORROW FOR THE TRANSGENDERED MAN’S CHILD PORN CASE!”she spatted out. 
Fuck.   “I wonder if he can still be charged if the witness is 6 feet under?”I thought to myself.
It was at that moment that a wave of flashbacks happened. Me as an 8 year old child. the blood covered lip gloss container, the pain, the stash of thousands of names ,my performance schedule. The day I realized the sparkle in my eyes disappeared.A cold shiver went down my spine.
“I will be there” I replied. We hung up.
The next day , I walked into the court house feeling strong and confident. I would go in, he would get convicted, and in a few days I would be dead to the world that has those kind of people in it . “Nice to meet you, this is what we call a pre-trial” “A PRE trial?! As in theres MORE OF THIS SHIT?” I thought. I got up on the stand ,and was asked a few questions. I was asked how I obtained the evidence, And I, in front of everyone and said “i took it”. “You STOLE IT?” “yes” I replied. (That was technically the truth) I was dismissed. I went home ,my mother followed me to my apartment to make sure I was okay. I told her to leave , and insisted I was fine. I sat there on my bed, bawling my eyes out. Eventually I made it to the bathroom floor where i started throwing up due to the length and violent nature of my crying.”How can i be convicted for trying to save the lives of children that have no choice” I wondered. I eventually made it back to bed and passed out. I woke up feeling like a criminal the next day. Or was it the day after that? I don’t really know, I never left my bed anyways. February 6 came around.
It was D day.
I had woken up around 5pm. With one hand I grabbed my bottle of whiskey, a bottle of gravol, and i started washing the pills down with the whiskey. 30 minutes passed, “I have absolutely no idea how to do this”I realized. “I want to bleed out, thats how I want to die , I should do it before I pass out, the point of the pills and alcohol is to make it easier to go all the way,not to pass out”. I grabbed the scissors and tried to cut a dollarama razor , which I kept dropping due to the effects of the gravol and alcohol. I dropped the scissors, the hacked up razor, and i fell to the floor laughing so hard I cried. “How did it get to this, God” I asked. “WHY DID YOU LET IT GET TO THIS? YOU WERE NEVER THERE, NOT EVEN WHEN I WAS ON MY TIP TOES IN MY NIGHTGOWN STANDING ON THE SNOW COVERED PAVEMENT BAWLING MY EYES OUT AT MIDNIGHT ON A SCHOOL NIGHT PRAYING FOR YOU TO SAVE ME. I EVEN SANG AMAZING GRACE FOR FUCK SAKES”. I punched the wall, started throwing shampoo bottles ,face wash, even my umbrella light. I left the razor and scissors on the bathroom floor and stumbled to my room, laying on the bed. The ceiling was putting on quite the show with all of its movements. I struggled to sit up. “We are going to try this one more time”I said out loud. I tried getting on my knees, but I couldn’t. I propped myself up on the backboard of the bed, and put my hands together. “In the name of the father, the son,the holy spirit”
“Please. Take my life into your hands. I don’t want this life that I live. I don’t want to live in a world where children get abused, and where people that do the right thing go to jail for trying to save them. I have no more fight. I need you to guide me. Jesus. JESUS CHRIST. Lord, please hear my prayer. Please. I am opening my heart to you. I renounce satan and all of his demons. I renounce all evil. Please guide me away from evil. Please, be my purpose to live. If you are my purpose to live, I will never have a reason not to”.
There was no amen. I passed out.
I woke up some 17 hours later . Dehydrated, pounding headache, but alive. I got out of bed, walked into the bathroom. “Aye ,good morning hacked up razor, sir suicide scissors” I tossed them both out. I picked up my mangled umbrella light,patted it ,apologized and decided to shower. Coming into the bathroom I nearly had a heart attack. My eyes. “AYYEEEE!!” I started dancing around .

The sparkle is back 🙂